


Don't Fuck With the Cub

by Nehszriah



Series: The Thick of UNIT [10]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005), The Thick of It (TV)
Genre: F/M, Prompt Fic, a failed attempt anyhow, also a poor use of Lord Poncyfuck, people will always pick fights with Malcolm, rich-people socializing, therefore people will never learn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-13 08:07:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5701150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nehszriah/pseuds/Nehszriah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Malcolm attends a mixer with Kate for her daughter's haughty school, running into two old faces in the process: one he doesn't entirely mind, and one he really could do without.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Fuck With the Cub

**Author's Note:**

> So when I had opened up prompts over on tumblr over the weekend, I got a request for Malcolm and Kate being protective of their UNIT!bbys. Turned it on its head and instead it involves the pair being protective over one of Kate's kids, and to be honest I'm happy as long as it's them being fiercely protective so what the heyo.

To say he was bored was an understatement. Malcolm stood awkwardly along the wall, the same drink in his hand as when he walked into the ballroom. There were plates with tiny bits of food being brought around that looked like they cost more than the average person’s weekly salary and he felt as if he were being stared at from all angles of the room. He was surrounded by the very people he so normally disliked, the who’s whom of society and money, and he was only there for the sake of two people and two people only.

“Malcolm, do stop sulking like this; you were more than in your element when we went to that function with the Trion,” Kate teased, walking up to him. She was nursing down her second glass, looking underdressed in her off-the-rack pantsuit and non-designer heels. Leaning into him, she held his hand for emotional support, their arms hidden behind their bodies so as to not broadcast the affection.

“It’s different when it’s trying to one-up everyone else around you, but trying to measure up nips, teaching them that this is right…”

“Something tells me that they’re cleverer than you think… oh, there’s Fiona.” The teen in question walked up to them, a look of exasperation on her face. “When do you think we can make a break for it, dear?”

“Next time I see Dad, I’m going to fucking _kill him_ for sending me to this arse-backwards school and then not coming to any of these bloody parent-student mixers…” the teen hissed.

“Language,” Kate warned. “You’ve been around Malcolm too much.”

“No, not enough is more like it,” Fiona replied. “Anyhow: we’ve got at least an hour left, judging by how slow the headmaster’s gone around. It’s so difficult being the only one here that doesn’t buy into all this nonsense…”

“You’re one of three now, so don’t worry,” Malcolm said, patting her shoulder. “Just think of the contacts these cunts and cuntessas will make one day and how easily you’ll be able to take them down.”

“Don’t teach my daughter how to blackmail,” Kate warned.

“She’s clever enough to pick it up on her own; just needs a bit of encouragement,” he said, flashing his teeth. It was then that a familiar face approached the trio, one that Malcolm didn’t necessarily want to see at that exact moment.

“Why hello there—fancy seeing you at this little soiree,” Julius Nicholson beamed. He shook Malcolm’s free hand vigorously, not caring that it hadn’t been offered. “I had heard you were out, but I didn’t entirely believe it until I heard the enigmatic individuals in UNIT were involved.” He then turned to Kate and bowed his head slightly. “Ms. Stewart, I presume?”

“Yes, and you are…?”

“Lord Nicholson of Armitage; just call me Julius. My nephew goes to the boys’ school and with his parents out of town, I’m the one suckered into attending this dreadful thing,” he laughed. “I’m sorry if this bunch proves to not be to your liking—too many people here really don’t know what it’s like to get down into the nitty-gritty of life like the rest of us.”

“The only nitty-gritty you’ve gotten down to is the crumbs at the bottom of your gilt biscuit tin,” Malcolm sniped. Julius smirked, enjoying the hostility.

“You know as well as I do Malcolm that we’ve saved one another in a pinch,” he said. He then turned to Fiona, extending his hand. “And who is this fine young lady, who has the most feared man in modern British politics here as her paternal substitute?”

“Fiona Lethbridge-Stewart,” the teen said cordially, shaking the bald man’s hand. “He just keeps Mum busy at night when the house is empty.”

“Well, that’s one way to put it,” Kate muttered into her glass. Fuck, she was not drunk enough for this.

“What goes on behind closed doors is no business of mine,” Julius said. “Now tell me, Tucker: how is life in UNIT treating you? Better than being in the pokey, surely.”

“I get a good shag in now and then, which is more than I can say for you,” Malcolm quipped. His jaw then clenched in anticipation as a new face ambled up to their party—one he was only vaguely familiar with, though familiar enough to know that he’d prefer an entire day out with Baldymort.

“Would you look at that—Malcolm Tucker out and about, being let around our nation’s impressionable youth,” the man jeered. He saw Kate and threw her a dazzling smile. “The name’s Avery; I work over in Culture.”

“Charmed,” she replied. “Is there a reason why you’re over here?”

“None really,” Avery said, “except I had no idea that Tucker had spawned, let alone could send a child to a school like the ones represented here.”

“…and what is that supposed to mean?” Malcolm growled.

“Just, you didn’t seem to be like the type to try to fit in with the haves—seem more to me like the specialty school sort.”

“Pardon?” Fiona scoffed. “I’m right here, you twat.”

“Yes, an offshoot of Tucker through and through,” Avery noted. “Now who did he strong-arm to get you into this school, hmm? Wouldn’t you surely rather be with your own sort up in some Glasgow back-alley?”

“You wait just a fucking minute,” Malcolm snapped. “Don’t you dare make to attack a fucking _child_ , Avery, or I will have your name plastered all over the gossip rags for the next three months.”

“Don’t think you intimidate me, Tucker. If you know what to expect, even a wolf protecting his young isn’t _that_ terrifying.”

“You are just here to pick a fight,” Kate realized, her brow narrowing in realization.

“One that I think I should break up right about now,” Julius said. He put his hand on Avery’s shoulder and attempted to tug the man along. “Come along; we don’t need to set a bad example for the tykes…”

“Just one moment, Julius,” Kate requested. She and Malcolm put on their best bollocking faces, attempting to close in on Avery. “Now, if you make such disparaging comments about my daughter again, I put you, personally, on a spaceport in another sector of the galaxy.”

“…oh, and guess what?” Malcolm added. “You’ll be starkers. The girl ain’t my bairn, but she’s my lady’s, and that’s good enough reason for me to fuck you dry and raw, you little cock-sucking tit-weasel.”

“Spaceport…?” Avery snorted in disbelief. “What sort of science-fiction fanatic do you think I am?” He saw no change in their expressions, so he glanced over at Julius for assurance that they were bluffing. Lord Armitage shook his shiny pate—they were not bluffing. “Fine; I just go to the press about you two instead. A man bailed out of jail early around schoolchildren? His lover spouting nonsense about outerspace?”

“She’s my _lady_ ; I’m not some randy little fucker that can’t keep his dick in his trousers,” Malcolm corrected, flipping a V, “and have fun trying to get around the gag order. Even the gossip rags know to steer clear of UNIT.” He watched triumphantly as Julius led the stunned Avery away, adding a ta and the promise to meet for tea one day, before glancing back at Kate. “By all that’s fucking decent, at least Dome Head could drag him off.”

“Ugh; let’s just get out of here,” Fiona exhaled. “You’re a liar though, Malc.”

“Oh really?” He raised an eyebrow at that, intrigued. “How do you suppose?”

“When Mum’s involved, you can’t keep it in your trousers. Gordy and I are lucky we haven’t walked in on you two yet,” the teen answered.

“ _Fiona_ ,” her mother whispered harshly, smacking her on the back of the head. The two glared one another down, despite the fact that Malcolm was very ready to take the girl up on her offer to leave before another blast from the past found them and decided they were easy targets. They could discuss the proper punishment for the girl’s cheek another time.

 


End file.
